Kampala hustle

Whizzy whizzy bang bang

2011-08-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

My title is catchy, no? Say it out loud in your office as you read this. Say it many times, wwbbx20, add a cool reggae beat and nod your your while your boss talks at you. Now you have an idea for a really cool song that I want nothing to do with. People, I have problems. No, you say, how could you have problems? Problems are what Gaddafi (the former president rather than the formerly muslim singer formerly known by the same monicker), the boda guys who got lynched and my tribesmen in Bududa have. You, you have minor inconveniences. These are the things most of the people I try to tell my stuff tell me back. So I am going to tell you my problems in order of magnitude.

1. Writer's block

Were you ever in a situation where you were watching the matrix and then you died? Poor Neo is stuck at a 90 degree angle to the ground. Stuck in the act of dodging agent Smith's bullet. You, you are dead so no one is going to un-pause the One and he'll be stuck there forever. In the meantime, gravity, the nemesis of cool moves like so, is gently exerting 9.8m/s²to the back of his ka head. Disused muscles atrophying in positions they were never meant to, man, movies suffer. This analogy should be applied directly to the drafts sitting in this blogspot account. They have been paused, never to be completed; at least by me. You know that stuff where the point of the point is lost in the analogy supposed to illustrate it. This is one of those situations. Me, I have written! If you have the time to sift through this kasasiro for points, go on and waste your life.

2. Online Currency Trading

Mehn!!! I learnt this word from a younger relative of mine. Apparently, "Man" is old school. I have to agree, look it ->meehhhn<- (I don't know how to punctuate this sentence after the hyphen so I'll just keep typing, I won't even close this bracket. You can't deny the versatility of this word, it's like a one size fits all version of that old school word that I'll never use again. It's simultaneously singular and plural; Mehhhn=a flock of God. For all intents and purposes, it's the same situation. If I have lost you, you have no business here, vamoose! You silly goose. Kati, this point is also lost, when I find some time to waste on talking about currency trading, I'll squeeze it in somewhere.

3. Rising inflation

I hate the way everyone is blaming inflation for all sorts of things. Man, that kyana ate all my dime. Why? Mbu, inflation! She ate your dime because you wanted to give it to her. The dime, I mean. Do you want to fight inflation? Stop harassing government, I hear walk to work, walk to kitchen, walk to kitchen etc. STOP WASTING MONEY. Here's my investment plan so you never have to suffer this inflation animal again. Buy a cow, grow peas in the parking lot, rice in the bath tub and some apples next to the fridge. You have a toilet so biogas should not be a problem. Problem solved. NO SPENDING=NO INFLATION. This blog has sorted out a problem that the central of many countries have failed to deal with. Power to me.

4. Bad Black

In the beginning, there was the word, and the word was BLACK. Mehhn, that was those days when the word "duck" meant living in your house and it was okay to ask your date where she put up. Nowadays, mbu pink is the new black - now this rubbish has no place in a serious post like this but a meehn gotta keep up with the times...and what's up with this kyana called bad black. If she was so baddd (another old school word), why the hell doesn't she go all the way, call herself evil black or infernal black or eldritch black <- i like this one.

In other news, my daughter (who is very beautiful and sweet - in the fashion of her mother) is ill. Kindly put in a quiet prayer for her before you go to bed tonight, or tomorrow. Y'all stay sawa, meeehhn!

Always,

Mufere

P.s

This post was supposed to examine THE junction as a spot to inebriate your person and socialize with other mindless fans of UBL/EABL/Tyson/Bad Black but I've not been there in a while. Mark might just have thrown a swimming pool and spa somewhere in there. So until I pass by again, you'll hear nothing from me...on the junction only.

Kampala Bars (Boda Boda, Garden City, Kampala)

2011-05-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

I qualified my title. Some very confused people might think this post concerns the bars before they open for business. Asylum fodder just! Do you have time? Are you unemployed? If you answered aye to both these questions, me and you are going to get on just fine. I have no time for employed prudes too caught up in their work to read some rubbish I wrote in my free time. Anyway, back to business...

Over the years, I've taken the time to sample a cross section of Kampala's night spots and after incisive analyses of all these joints, I bring you Kampala by Night 101. I hate night clubs so they will not feature much in this paragraphs that follow. What with those hot chicks in their skimpy dresses and their dudes in baggy jeans and large tees with blingey thingies everywhere! I can't be bothered. These joints are described in no particular order. I'll do bar by bar

Boda Boda, Garden City, Kampala
Who wants to drink with strange looking wooden faces with glowing eyes staring at them? Don't raise your hand, stupid! I can understand pouring out libations in your private shrine at home to your wooden face but an upper class bar in Kampala, never. Bloody things are everywhere. Worse still, these voyeuristic bastards are in the girls' "restroom" as well, observing everything quietly with their red eyes. Then you go around saying "if walls could talk", naive child, the walls in Boda can see. They know all your secrets as if ISO. Now most mainstream religions try very hard to emphasize the absence of alcohol from their places of worship (don't even think about Holy Communion). How the hell is a devout witch doctor going to drink in the face of his god(s)? Boda, please take down the masks and put up some Leonardo fakes or nude pictures or something or you will lose good business. Your drinks are probably expensive because you have to pay tithe to your wooden faces.

Conclusion: Boda boda is a nice bar for Christians.

Coming next: Equator, Zone 7 or wait for it...The JUNCTION.

Rich men, poor men and kyanas

2011-05-03T04:07:00.000-07:00

Hello there, you’ve probably seen me on the cover of various romance novels over the years. As if a handsome muzungu kanyama who’s an heir to a massive conglomerate and then I fall in love with this poor kyana who came in as my personal assistant; you know the story, then my dad finds another blue blooded kyana from a family which is rich like ours for me to marry, then the ka PA kyana pisses me off and I first sleep with the rich kyana, then eventually I leave the rich kyana and marry the poor kyana who never has to work again. Moral: Work hard and get rich so your son can sleep with women. Don’t you ever wonder why no one ever writes romantic stories about poor people?

Exercise for writers: Begin your new novel with the following words, “Then he lifted her in his clay caked sinewy arms and carried her to his muzigo.” Please do not attempt to sell your book, you will not succeed, no one wants to know how slum dog types perpetrate their romances. Don’t argue! How many times have you asked your boda boda chap how his kyana is? See? This is all for the best anyway, we really don’t want to know. Of course, the hypocrites will deny but we all know the truth, don’t we? Now, I realize my tone might be offensive to certain people, which is really disturbing because I’ve not even started tackling the real issues. Are you uncomfortable with truth in any of its forms, perhaps you should skip over to the Big Brother update, plenty of lies there.

With great power, comes a great urge to sleep with as many women as possible. The mathematics is simple, Money=Power, ergo rich people are generally more randy than poor people. While we serfs are loitering the streets of Kampala hustling for our buck, the bagaga are looking for the next great encounter. Bagaga are like terminator robots(the old model of Schwarzenegger not mercury man*) , they have scan vision during the day. At night, they have that thermal stuff as if Predator. The interesting thing about this sophisticated vision is it only detects women, they never see us chaps. How many times has your boss walked by your desk and not said hi yet even the female cleaner got a hug? See? I am telling the truth so the next time your boss walks by you, say his name loud, grab him by the shoulders and look him straight in the eye for at least 5 minutes. If he starts crying, he’s gay – don’t fear this type. If his left eye starts turning red, clear out your desk quickly. Hunters abhor contact with species outside their food chain. You are neither a fellow hunter nor prey, hence there is no conceivable condition that should result in physical contact with you. If you can't eat them, hate them! This is valid biological theory. *Mercury man is the bad guy from Terminator 2.

The Ugandan IPC Conundrum -- Chapter one

2010-08-26T03:52:00.000-07:00

The Ugandan ipc conundrum
Shh! What you are going to read in the lines below is absolutely top secret. Absolutely top secret. It is so hidden only 2 people in the greater Ntinda area know the truth. The two of us have x-ray vision, we see what lies beneath the lies that have been forced upon all of us. If ignorance could kill, we would have eaten you at least thrice (I believe in reincarnation. I also believe that the more ignorant you are, the sweeter meat you return as in your next life-I'll explore this later). Thankfully, here I am with a blue pill in my hand. No more matrix, no more ignorance, no more reincarnation as duck.

Bambi, you think you know what I am talking about. You probably have an opinion you are holding onto so you can compare with my conclusion. Poor poor you! Anyway, your mind is not equipped to deal with this information, first because you don't have x-ray vision; second you are neither me nor my friend who also sees. Now to discuss this ipc problem before the powers that be send crack commandos crashing through the skylight in my house seeking to muzzle me and bind my eyes with a lead blindfold. ipc refers to iNSPIRED pOLICE cONSTABLE. The first letters are small because this is a secret. I am putting you in trouble by telling you this stuff but that is the price of ignorance. If the truth will kill you, at least take pride in the fact you that your death will create more fossil fuel for our beloved nation in a few million years.
Have you ever been stopped by an ipc? You may not have recognized them in their saintly white (apart from Ntinda, I think the dust has something to do with this) but they stand by the side of the road and raise their arms in Nazi salute to passing cars. Now here is the first secret. The lifted arm that stops your car is actually the ipc saluting his superior in the car in front of you. Don't you ever wonder how they select which cars/drivers should be checked? I think I might be rushing ahead of myself so I will backtrack and first explain the hierarchy of the ipc organization (it has absolutely nothing to do with the Uganda Police Force).

The lowliest ipc is the ripc (pronounciation guide: ripsy), the roadside-ipcs. You'll find them chatting in groups by the roadside, nonchalantly drawing straws to see what charge they will sic on the next driver. Above the ripc is the lipc (guide: lipsy), this stands for loitering-ipc. These are the operational brains of this operation, they dress in leya (or layer) and drive their unmarked Ipsums and harrier cars around. I think they might be funded by JICCA, hence all the Japanese cars – this is yet to be confirmed. When they mark you for interdiction, they overtake you and drive towards the nearest ripc squad, using bluetooth to keep your car in line until the salute that also stops you. The lipc report to the c-ipcs (guide: sipsy), the evil controller-ipcs who sit all day on expensive notebook computers in trendy cafes pretending to surf. They monitor the l-ipcs movements and ensure that they each stick to their routes for the day and that they meet their quotas. Stay away from dashing young men in cafes with ipads!

We don’t know at this point who the c-ipcs report to but we promise to break more news on this shadowy organization as we get it.

The 3 step rule

2010-08-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

Shalom friend, I am not a violent man. When you get hit by someone, follow the steps below and start your personal journey to a violence free existence.

The 3-step rule
1. Look your assailant in the eye (if he punched you in the eye, just turn your head in his general direction).
2. Search your brain (and heart). Do some real *deep thinking*. Was the punch justified? Are you sleeping with his wife? Did you steal his phone?
3. Now...kill your assailant. I am serious, kill them dead. Now, you are just 6 billion (and some) killings away from your own violence free life.

These rules have completely transformed my life and I am sure they will do wonders for yours too. I am a wanted man but you have my assurance, no one engages in any form of violence near me.

P.s.
This my shortest post ever. I am pleased.

10-7! 10-7!! Help

2010-08-11T14:46:00.000-07:00

Hello there,

this is me being peaceful. Today I am maintaining a sense of mental decorum, no rubbish in these here posts. No sir, today, I am being objective in whatever I am discussing. Which brings me to the problem at hand, I can never figure out what I want to write about before hand so I think I'll just abandon all the stuff I said earlier and teach you the hook to my new song about Golola Moses of Ntinda, Uganda. Here goes...it must be sang to the tune of Drake's "Find your love".

1st verse:
This is Golola Moses
Gwe gwe gwe,
I own the hottest temper,
gwe gwe gwe
I am the champ kick boxer
Gwe gwe gwe
and I know you joke about me
Gwe gwe gwe

Hook:
You're tempering a temper,
Don't you value your life
You're tempering a temper,
Don't you value your life
You're tempering a temper,
Don't you value your life
You're tempering a temper,
I'll kill you dead, then deader then deadest

My kicks are sweet connections,
Gwe gwe gwe
one to the head and you're toast
Gwe gwe gwe
so make sure you're far,
gwe gwe gwe
When Golola goes a-kicking

Repeat hook until you die. Don't stop or else

Drake did a fair rendition of Golola Moses' song. If anyone tells you otherwise, report and the main man will pass him away.

Now I promised only sense and I've delivered. If this is not dead sensible, I don't know what is. My next post will be an in-depth analysis of Uganda's political situation...in keeping with my resolution to transform this blog from the ramblings of my decadent mind. Shalom and remember to love your neighbor and hate your landlord.

To Keira

2010-08-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

Hey Keira,

I miss you so much. Tonight I am like the saddest former father ever. You were so young and so pretty and you'd just learnt how to not disturb your daddy. Why the fuck you have to leave so soon. How the hell am I supposed to recover from all this pain that I am feeling? I survive day after day, pretend everything is okay and humor will heal me eventually. It's been a year and humor or anything hasn't done sh*t so far. I am sadder than I've ever been before. I am crying and crying and I doubt I'll ever stop. If you've lost someone really close to you, you know what I am talking about. RIP Keira Kanyana Wanyenze Nagimesi, I am gon miss you for the rest of my life. Damn! I am gon miss you for as long as I am me. I know you probably looking down and wondering why your daddy's crying. Babe, I am crying coz you are not my baby anymore, apparently, you someone else baby now. No more holding you or playing songs from the playlist you used to fall asleep to. It's done. We can't chill in the couch anymore while you listen to stories I made up just for you.

I am so sad. Tomorrow is a fucking public holiday and I just don't give a f*ck. I miss you and love you so much I don't know what to do. Damn! I even learnt to change your diapers. All these tears, this dehydration is really not for you. It's for me, you're probably very pleased wherever you are. I just can't help thinking about how it would have been now. You, a year old, just saying your first words...me teaching you how to call people lumpens and hooligans and how to say sorry before they start beating you up :-) I gotta run now. I love you, I love you a lot. Try not to get into any trouble now. Although, if the punishment for getting into trouble is getting sent back to earth, get into a lot of trouble. I am gonna miss you a lot. Love ya.

P.s.
I still have your playlist on my notebook. One day perhaps, we'll waltz to it again. I miss you.

Love,
Your daddy.

Passaway

2010-07-29T02:54:00.000-07:00

It's raining heavily and the car...STOP!! Do I really need to explain myself for blogging, on a laptop I own, with internet I pay for in a house that's mine? Hmmmm,I guess so. Anyway, it's raining heavily and the car is parked kinda far away so here I am...blogging. I just checked and I have over 50 draft posts some with more than a paragraph. This is a relevant fact, no?

Anyway, this afternoon, I am sharing bits and pieces of myself with you. After some hard thinking, I have come to the conclusion that I am the ish. I am actually what women want. I mean, over the years, I've created a checklist based on what my female friends (who I think wanted me all this time but signed a treaty to all leave off)have said and allow me to finally present the official guide to what women (and girls) want.

Disclaimer: If some of the guidelines strike you as impossible, please remember that this is ME (the guy that women want)

1. Women like guys who drive automatic cars
This automatically disqualifies expensive sports car owners, taxi drivers and a few friends of mine. Why this peculiar behaviour from the females of our species? I have the answer...it boils down to multi-tasking (forget all the management theory they taught you in school). Multi-tasking means being able to do everything else and keep a conversation running while you drive. No grunting and huffing while you drive eg. I think , we can not load anymore passengers. Ok, this example is off coz that would mean, the chick is in the taxi drivers ride during working hours.

2. Women like guys who work from dining tables
There's nothing as sexy as a guy working at a dining table, ask my wife, and she is an authority on sexy men, she lives with one 24/7. Anyway, as I was saying before I started blowing my vuvuzela, chicks absolutely love dining table guys. U know what it shows? Once again, that word, multi-tasking. If you can work at the table at which you eat, who knows what you can do on the bed in which you sleep. This is common sense and I really wonder how sharp all you guys out there are. I mean, it took me a while to figure this out and I've just given it to you on a silver platter. I am a philanthropist (which brings me to my next point)

3. Women love philanthropists
This is true. No woman likes Bill Gates (or me) for his money. Women like men who like to give and keep giving and giving and giving. Ok, this sound lewd but it's my blog and my mind has since left its gutter days behind (unlike you, yeah you, stop turning your gu head, I mean you with the spectacles and the ka bald spot <-- apply applicable description). CAUTION: Do not give money to beggars while in a woman's sight. It only makes you look like an easy target, only give money to rich people. Now, rich people did not get rich by giving money away so they are only too happy to get free money from you e.g. Yo! Sudhir, lunch is on me today. Just pick your spot. Guaranteed, if you feed Sudhir, Kirumira and uncle Kutesa while she can see you, it's a wrap. You now have a dedicated follower. This woman will do anything for you. "Go buy me socks," and she'll deliver them and help you wear them. "Take off your ear rings," and she'll take them off. "Take off your sweater," you know what will happen.

There are a total of 5671 rules to ensure you ensnare the woman(en) of your dreams. If you analyse me, you'll probably find like 5000, the other 671 I have to tell you. I am a working man so I gotta go. Peace out, Jah bless, Shalom and catch you on the rebound. You have your women only coz I don't want them. As earlier said, I am a philanthropist.

P.s
If you are wondering about the title, it's a term used to refer to a situation where something alive is passing away eg the taxi passawed the dog.

Golola Moses

2010-05-29T08:46:00.000-07:00

Man! I have no idea what to write about today. I want to write some sensible stuff today. Real stuff, none of that rubbish that congests my other posts but I seriously doubt my brain is up to this business. I am going to post a lesson in basic computer system administration.

Change of plan. Somehow, I can't keep a topic going past its paragraph limit. My brains require some low level organization so tonight I am going to format them and start partitioning from scratch. My brains (I have two) are kinda messed up coz I misplaced the partition tables as a child so this is not an easy task. Anyway, introducing (drum roll).......the DIY "fix you broken brain" tutorial for Windows.

Step 1: Run an antivirus scan
It is pointless to backup your stuff if there's lots of viral tenants loitering and throwing street bashes along your well tended cranial avenues. So, first we clean the old brain box up. Buy a license for your favorite antivirus and some laundry bleach. Mix these two ingredients and make sure the AV is thoroughly saturated with the bleach. Copy the bleached antivirus onto a USB drive.

Step 2: Transfer
Since your brain's security will not accept a remote antivirus installation, you need to transfer the program onto your internal storage manually. Plug the USB drive into your right ear (your brain has one USB port and it's right behind your right ossicles) and keep pushing until it slides into the port. Psst! If you survive this, you are in business. Copy the installation file into your temp folder and run it.

Step 3: Installation
Sometimes, your brain is *virulently viral*. This means that your brain is entirely controlled by the virus. Symptoms are general stupidity, inability to perform simple arithmetic procedures within reasonable time frames e.g. 1(2(1*60)) if this took more than two seconds to compute skip to step 40. Otherwise, run the setup and follow the blinking prompts to completion.

Step 4: Scan your brain
First things first, why are you running Windows on your brain(s)? I am digressing, back to business. Do a thorough scan of your frontal lobe first. That's the huge engine directly above your eyes. Apparently, it is responsible for higher cognitive functions - love, jogging, driving, picking up girls, impulse control i.e. you are just another wild eyed monkey without it. Don't want a virus in your impulse control room, do you? Imagine, falling in love with money (oh sh*t, I know some people...). Example abandoned! Imagine falling in love with your lamp shade. You don't know why but you love it above all things. What happens when you decide to take your relationship to the next level? Boss, just scan the stupid lobe, NOW!

This is part one of the DIY "fix your broken brain" tutorial. If you were following the procedure step by step, stay in your home until part two to avoid re-infection. Peace out, you good people stay cool and remember: Love is the answer.

nciknmaes

2010-02-14T08:54:00.000-08:00

The word is nicknames. Hello fellow hustlers in this harsh multiverse, it's been a while and a lot of wtaer has passed under this bridge. Busy, busy, busy!! Why do I do this to myself? It's Sunday afternoon, people are driving to the beach, paying for yesterdays sins, getting laid ans so on. Me, I am in bed...blogging. Such a wuss yours truly is, init?

!trouble: in my profession, an exclamation mark preceding an article means anything but that article. I don't see any need to explain further if you are too slow to understand all these english words. Blame God, not me. Anyway, I used to run a company called !chaos; which I thought was like the coolest thing ever. Hi, my name is Mufere from anythingbut-chaos, I mean think about it. This is democracy at its finestest. Everyone call call me what they want to call me, anything but chaos. To cut this story short coz am getting bored, people didn't get it (yeah, you too)

This kaboozi has nothing to do with nicknames. I'll keep the title coz that's what I wanted to write about when I started. What's with people and nicknames. Nick is short for Nicholas, so there's no need to call nick: nickso. Might as well call him Nicholas Twalizamulinaweogambandibwerere (which is his full name). I am not gon give any more example but all the patsos, Nickso, Mikesonzi, Nagidee, General Mega dee and Rabadaba (what kind of name is this) of this world shoud watch out. I am armed with exclamation marks (grab one !patso). Bye

Begin 1,2,3...

2010-02-03T13:17:00.000-08:00

4,5,6,7,8,9... I sense confusion in your soul but you are just mad if you think the holy trinity of numbers can be followed by anything but 4,5,6 and so on. What were you hoping would follow; go! (sports day), 4 get your woman on the floor (rap), kamata (lingala), kikubbe (bebe cool), miclophone check (wedding djs)? Truth is, I don't care about how you people plagiarise the trinity so I wonder to myself, why am I writing about when there's a huge world out there with interesting things to observe and write about! That's all the math I am doing today.

I am adding a technical section to this blog starting today. Before I begin, I need to bounce something off you. This business of saying "tomorrow never comes," who made it up and what were we thinking when we didn't kill him and stop its spread. Tomorrow comes, ladies and gentlemen and that is non-negotiable. Try it, say tomorrow never comes and wait for morning to feel like the world's biggest fool. Then the James Bond people called their movie,"tomorrow never dies". What a useless statement! You can not even use it anywhere. You try and use it in a sentence like so "Tomorrow never dies so I will not insult my boss coz he might fire me when tomorrow comes." You see? No sense can be made from these two statements. Please remind me how this paragraph started, my phone has scrolled down.

The technical section will have to wait because "time waits for no man," no wonder women always take their time, they have lots of it waiting around. Ok, that was pointless nonsense and I am sorry. If this goes beyond 4linesI'llbforced2finishtheparagraphsoIamsqueezingtheletterstogether.have a nice weekend. Peace out!

Non regrettien

2010-02-01T13:49:00.000-08:00

Here I am...again. Can't find it in me to blog anymore. I am always running around or sleeping or just too laid back to start writing. This is a good thing. Blogging (for me) is like the northern bypass of my personal descent into madness. Sometimes, when I let go, I fall all the way and recovery is difficult. I have to realign myself to this dimension and it's three axes as well as rent and diesel and work and Umeme and NWSC and the house girl (who is extremely mysterious btw). She seems to slink all over the place. You look up and there she is, walking on the ceiling. STOP! Look again and she's disappeared. Feels like the Damien Thorn's* nanny :-( Nuff about her.

{RHYMING INTERLUDE}
I am sitting up,
I should be working,
I am making the sounds,
Looking the part,
but I am not working,
I am blogging,
This is my poem,
The only thing I know,
for sure is it's rubbish,
but I don't care,
coz it's my rubbish,
and as they say, the fools,
don't wash your dirty,
linen in public,
and to them I reply,
Look here foolish ones,
I live on the street,
where else am I going to,
wash this linen but here!
{END INTERLUDE}

Kindly disregard lines 11-19 (don't bother counting the lines, I know I didn't) I feel like I was discussing something really serious when I digressed. I seem to have reached an impasse in my life. I do the same stuff everyday...get to town, drive around town, hang around town, talk to brown (chalk 1 for rhyme), noun (chalk 2 for rhyme). Paragraph abandoned.

Aah, fresh start, new paragraph, a cool breeze spurring this blogger onto some really great writing. Oh shit, it's bedtime. I must bid myself adieu, because I have to recharge the AAA batteries in my head.

P.S
I just went through every Star trek novel any fool ever wrote...after a marathon of all the Star wars novels (and novellas and poems) ever written. Ask me something, I dare ye.

P.p.s
I know you are thinking I should go to bed now. Perhaps I should. I think I have to be up tomorrow morning. This is my blog so if I sing about myself every third word, it's MY bidness. Bye bye I

My letter to moi..

2010-01-11T10:33:00.000-08:00

Hello me,
It's been a while. How you been? You could have called but you did not. You could have emailed but you did not. I know you are me but this is a bit too much. You have an obligation to be good to me. Take me to lunch, buy me nice stuff etc. Please cease and desist from dressing me up in t-shirts and jeans. I am a working man, please help me dress the part. This is what I'll expect from you from here on out. Starting tomorrow, I'll expect the following:

1. You will dress me formally to work.
2. You will drive faster than my wife recommends. She's never driven a rally car before so she doesn't know a thing about speeding (or overspeeding for that matter).
3. You will stop ranting about the weather (fix the ac fool)
4. You will wake up early (before 10am)
5. You willl not spend strange amounts of the money every weekend. You can get drunk on cheaper liquor so get with the new program.

Both of us gotta run. We need to get home. Hope tomorrow is more relenting on our mind. Peace out. Today's tender thought goes out to the fungi in hell...all that sulphur and brimstone must hurt.

Sometimes

2009-10-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

My daughter passed away on Sunday afternoon between 4 and 4:30pm. I've been crying since. I am crying now. Don't think I want to do anything else. I loved my baby with all my heart (as every other parent should) and it broke me to lose her. Sometimes, you get a really good deal (my wife) and then you do one better and get another really good deal (Keira Wanyenze Kanyana Nagimesi aka my daughter), and sometimes you lose one of them and it breaks your heart but you are thankful that you lost one because you can not imagine losing both of them.

On another note, my car reconstruction project is almost done. I will upload photos of the completed ride (its a 1986 Landcruiser LJ70 Bundera) and I am hoping it will look ballistic. In the event that it does not, people, please don't lie to me because I am fragile (who knew? :-)) I will know and I will not like you very much. I have to run now so you people be cool. If I am rambling I am sorry, my thoughts are at large and apprehension is proving difficult. Have a nice day and remember to holler at the people you love.

Thank y'all that were and have continued being there for us throughout this trying period. My village is out of this world (literally) and my mountainous relatives had never seen so many cars at a go (not counting tv and print media). For you that almost got lost, we are thankful that you did not because you'd be doomed to living on that mountain pakalast. Oh, someone suggested with my kind of retinue that day, I should run for MP...I am thinking about it :-)

Speechless - Michael Jackson

2009-10-23T02:39:00.000-07:00

If y'all don't mind, my song is sung to the tune of MJ's "Speechless". All together now...

Life is hazardous
That's how I feel
I can not wait, to leave this place
Gone is the plan that I had for today
i am at the children's clinic
for immunization (long)

But I am...suffering, suffering
wish I were a pediatrician
then we'd chill
at our house
and I would would treat my child

I'd save tons of money,
and ensure that all is well
and it wouldn't matter
if she screams at night
coz she'd do it for free

Helpless, homeless
that has nothing to do with me
if you're looking
for continuity, then you're on the wrong blog
I have since switched subjects, my cyber mind's in charge
and it's spewing, all sorts of stuff
to complete my remix.

Harmless, topless
ha, I am on a roll
I am going and going
and I might never stop
I hope you are all hanging in
and praying for this man's soul
whose two minds are warring in his head.

If you've sung this far, you are my hero. I tried and stopped just before my terminator chip kicked in.

We took our little one for immunization and the little boss is screaming like her entire clan has been abducted by aliens and Facebook has been bought by Microsoft (which would be terrible - will discuss this another time).

My poor wife, she's not hit the night town for three straight months now and she's really excited because tonight, we are in this town pakalast. Breast pump was active earlier so our house help will watch all the La Tormenta she can before we return...and she'll have company. It's a win(x)-win(y)-win(z); all axes covered :-) I am sure DJ Benny D is as excited to see us as we are to hear from his turntables. Gotta drive now, guess we'll meet at the show.

Brian, about the warcraft title you sorta snatched during my hiatus. The Association didn't have the courtesy to let me know I wasn't in charge anymore. They let me run by Brian's home where I was soundly trounced. I am ready. Tremble in fear!!! Muhahahahaha

Who knows??

2009-10-17T07:23:00.001-07:00

What a day I am having! What do people mean we don't appreciate what we have? A friend of mine who'd just returned from the land of one of my colonial masters* was marveling at the amount of sunshine in Kiwatule. Sunshine?? Really, people, after years of education and careful research, I have ascertained that the sun shines on all of us equally and the amount of exposure - sum(all the basements, burrows and dungeons of this world, night time) = Equal amounts of sun light for everyone. Don't worry about the math, it makes sense to me so it should be enough for you. What's in a waterfall anyway? Lots of water cascading from on high and climaxing in a loud crescendo of indescribable sound. I was at a waterfall last week and everyone was oohhing and aahhing (eyeing?) and I was thinking... I did notice something interesting though, the cliff appears to flow upwards if you look at the waterfall for 5 seconds and suddenly look to its left or right. Don't worry if you don't keep up, I highlighted my observation to my fellow waterfallers and they didn't at first so keep figuring, good luck.

I've had a series of peaceful nights. I think my daughter aka the terrorizer aka Banshee has had a change of heart about stressing her daddy at night. She's like the prettiest, quietest, most thoughtful little woman I know. I know she's not intentionally being good to me but I appreciate it anyway. I gotta run, programme's hollering at me.

*I've since sold out the rest of my body to the Swiss so all my clothes are squatters.

Morning after

2009-10-08T22:41:00.000-07:00

Haha, gotcha! Did my title get you going? Anyway, I had this huge sleep debt (with interest) I paid off last night. I slept 8 straight hours and through 11 missed calls from hyperactive revelers in Jinja, my wife (and daughter, I hope) and my herd of hooligans (friends if you like). Talk about debt relief :-)

Why is it that when you are introduced to a stranger, you say "pleased to meet you"? Sometimes, the guy is a totally unlikeable braggart with a DIY accent and he keeps telling you about his exploits with the fairer (!all the time) sex. How he slept with this or that guy's girl (You know George Karii, eh, his kyana sorted me out) and so on. I am talking about a guy I met and immensely disliked so I am pulling no stops in my hating. Anyway, I said I was pleased to meet him and retired to my lodgings. Just before I started paying off my debt, I thought about it and realized I shouldn't have said that. What if he thinks I was genuinely pleased to meet him and wants to be friends! Anyway, we will not meet again, if I can help it.

Meanwhile, I am listening to the king of autotune and I am having trouble putting any of the stuff he's rapping about into context. Going forward, I am getting a writing pad and writing down lyrics in the hope that I might find a relation between anything he says and humanity in general (the complexity is mind boggling, as if a cross between a huge jigsaw and understanding what drives the Munumuxian racial caste system*) for example "Getting mug from everybody who see, then hang over the wall of the VIP." Anyway, will report my findings one day because this looks like my new life's work. Mid next year, I'll start on a new lil wayne song (if I am done with this one by then)

Remember to love yourself first (n/a if you are dating/married/stark raving mad**)

*On the planet Munumux
Located in a galaxy far far far away, Munumux is a world about the size of the Earth with 41 moons and orbiting 12 suns (it is very hot on Munumux!) The native Munumuxians are graded by degree of tan so they spend all day outside basking in their suns. The elders are referred to as "Ashes" and they are at the top of the hierachy (they are also dead) and so on. I think an Earthling called Ragga dee or Magga Ree or something sang a song about them sometime.

**
Mad people can love anything above themselves (geckos, fruits, mirror images, the ozone layer, demonstrations etc)

Work...and more work. No sleep, rambling speech

2009-10-07T23:02:00.000-07:00

It's unbelievable how much time other people have and how much time they assume I have. Yesterday was a terrible day, I came to Jinja to wind up a project we've been running for a few months now. I slept late, woke up really early and headed to the venue. I can not believe these hooligans showed up quarrelling about whether the Banyala are technically Baganda and who the rightful king of Busoga is. WTF? I don't care if the Banyala are descended from the Brits or the Dutch or the king is verizite so it is not fair to subject me to this rubbish. Rubbish!!!

Anyway, on a colonial note, I just did the math and I think I should send a proposal to the American embassy concerning our colonialism. Uganda needs to be re-colonised. Yeah, its unfortunate this came up so close to our "independence day" but it hit me kinda hard while I was leaving Kampala on the alleged Northern bypass. I say alleged because the highway is too narrow to hold a decent demonstration on...unless the rioters are chugging it along indian file (which technically speaking is a queue not a demonstration). It was alleged (again) that the bypass was a dual carriage highway autobahn style and we were dying to burn rubber on this road. We are now dead!

Now, say we were colonized by Switzerland, imagine the possibilities, no more fake rolexes and breitlings and roads; upon comparison, the people from Kabale would realise they are nowhere near being the Switzerland of Uganda because the Swiss would run the whole country anyway. Anyway, I hearby declare myself a Swiss protectorate, my body is now the property of the state of Switzerland. To hell with independence!!

I am in the middle of a focus group discussion and everyone is looking at me and thinking the boss is taking serious notes and I am so bored with the petty issues these chaps are raising. How can envy be a serious concern for 14 grown men with nice phones? This is not a question I expect you to answer. I am so sleepy. Wonder how my girls are doing. Gotta get back to work before my cybernetic brain starts transmitting the evil alien signals that get the verbal barrage going. You people take care.

P.s
I need to hire 4 MUK IT finalists who write a lot of PHP for a project I am working on. It's a full time job (pay is 200,000 - 250,000) at our office in Kampala. If you know someone that's interested, have them comment on this post.

Repression! Oppression! Why we love them.

2009-09-17T00:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the title, was planning to summarise my home grown socio-philosophical-political analysis (does that mouthful sound wrong?) but I am having a brilliant early day and like other FATHERS, I am a scatterbrain when I am pleased. Try it, call your dad and let him know you just won the lottery, then quickly test his arithmetic. If you get a numerical answer from him, your dad is an exception to the general rule.

Ask me why I am having a good day. Go on, ask me. If you've read this far, you'll hear about my day later anyway. Anyway I was reading this original public domain book called "Star makers apprentice: A novel exploration into higher dimensions and the nature of the gods." It completely changed the way I think about our universe. Hitherto, i (like everyone else) thought civilised earth 2009 was populated by the higher end apes (Homo Sapien/Superior) with the base ape configuration, prehensile digits, opposable thumbs, some intelligence, the works.

LAB EXERCISE 1.0:
Let's head to the lab; boil some water in a huge test tube > 9000cc, add 6 tablespoons of white gold (high grade mexican or colombian). Add 1kg of marijuana nicely diced and add few poppy seeds for flavour. If you are into cooking with wine, tighten your safety goggles and drop a few thimblefuls and let your concoction simmer.

My mind has always had a tendency to run in circles. If its my mind, why the hell does it not obey me (Oh shit, am I my mind? Is my mind me? Are you my mind?)

Anyway back to this book I read, the author claims he met the angels and they live one dimension away from us and their dimension is like 10 dimensional so I figured in addition to the x,y,z axes, they have the &,),%,#,},{ dimensions as well. Take the % dimension, who decides who's top and who's bottom (if you don't understand what I am saying, help us both and enter the matrix or your bed, your choice.) I think I have discovered another Homo genus I've dubbed Homo Drugaddicticticus. To cause this interesting inter-genus mutation, see lab exercise 1.0. The Starmaker's Apprentice is clearly neither Homo Sapien nor Superior so I hereby (by his leave, of course) conscript him into this new genus. Check it out at www.feedbooks.org and let me know what you think.

This is getting out of hand and my mind cycles are getting wider and wider so I'll wrap up. I am happy because of daughter smiled at me yesterday and made the peace sign and they are both real pretty (my wife and daughter, I mean) Just realized again, as I do every cycle, I am the luckiest man in all the dimensions (angels are not men, afreets are not either so technically its just you, me and the few billion earthlings eligible)

P.s
I think I have two brains and sometimes the brain waves overlap so my human brain receives the alien signals from my cybernetic brain and it wrecks havoc with my rational thought (my excuse :-) )

2009-07-16T00:25:00.001-07:00

Good morning world, I am going to be a father. No joking, I am going to be a bona fide daddy. My wife has been pregnant for, I dunno, eight months or something and clearly the endgame has begun. I woke up at 7am today to go see rooms/wards at the hospital and it hit me. Hit me like a man between sledge hammer and a hard place. It amazing how after nearly three decades, you think you've seen it all...

Anyway, just in case you are expecting your first baby like moi and you're still having fun, BE NICE 2 YR WIFE!! You'll need the support when you walk into the hospital. Yeah yeah, you are the guy (not pregnant, instigator of the pregnancy, possible father etc) but the sober color and ambience (?) of the labor ward will reduce you to jelly. "so you are the father, ehh?" asks the midwife. Fool, what do I look like, the baby??? No one said that but I think that would be my response. Nerves, nerves...

On a better note though, I am thankful and excited about the next next president of America, he'll be born somewhere around August 25 and I can't wait. I am sure my tummy toting wife is tired and wonders what her knees look like nowadays. Sometimes, I show her mine for old times sake. Not that they are anything like hers but patella is patella. We make do with what I have :-)

Once, twice, thrice, frice, fronce, froth... how the hell do you say "the fourth time"? English is so inadequate sometimes. Do they have a word for guys who park badly? A wheel with no wheel cap? A rhino on a rampage? Nah, no real new words in a while. Blog is not an english word...argue all you like, provide references, when you done, put your evidence in a bowl, add some milk, a banana and EAT it. My uncle has been teaching English for aeons and he doesn't know what blogging is. He probably thinks I am trying to say bogging, which means a whole new thing altogether. He learnt to speak English from an ENGLISH man so his credentials are not in doubt. When you learn MAD from a ...man, you know you got the real shiznit. Ante natal is done, gotta run. You good people have a nice day.

ps
Tweet is an english word. It has nothing to do with the futyscking internet.

pps
In case you were wondering, the words are badparknista (pl. badparknistae) nudewheel (pl. nudewheels) and tazrhino (pl. tazrhinoes)

2009-07-14T00:55:00.000-07:00

Rubbish, absolute rubbish. Well that's how I am feeling this morning. Ever have that feeling your eyes are going to pop if you let any light in? Fat chance anyone knows how I am feeling. You're all at work, pretending you have been anxiously waiting for Tuesday morning to make your boss the proudest mid-level manager in the world. Evil Peon!!

Anyway, I am in bed (my wife too) and I can not seem to wake up. I've said hi 10 times now and asks if I am not working today. Can't blame her, she has no idea her husband's eyes will pop if I let in more than one (1) ray of light. So, i flick an eyelid and say hi. My sight is in peril here, but I can't explain why to her, she'll snort and leave me for mad so I'll shoulder my burden alone. Jesus did, who am I not to? If she insists, I'll put my sight on the line for her.

What's eyesight anyway? An unrealistic sense that causes you to judge stuff wrong. I mean, people still fall down stairs, something blind people never do. Oh no, it's us and our overrated sight. Oh, that's a nice kitty, come here kitty, aaargh!! That's it fool, kitties are dangerous. If you hadn't seen it, you would not have tried to touch it, it follows then that you would not have been killed by kitty. So there you have it, I am going to open my eyes now and risk this hopelessly overrated sense.

Think about it, eyes just get you in trouble. Ever have a sweet dream. Well guess what, your eyes were closed while you had it. When you make love, guess what happens to your eyes when you climax, they shut, silly things; and when you kiss, the silly things are closed. I wont miss them at all. Goodbye left eye, I am opening you first, haha. I'll pop your friend last, Muhahahahaha!!

2009-07-03T14:21:00.000-07:00

had a brilliant day 2day. the bank called and told me I had money on my account. can you imagine how nice it feels? called up my landlord and told him about the leaky sink and the dust from the road. muhahahaha, waited him to bring up the rent...

Landlord: but you know I can not fix without money.
Me: Is this about the rent?
Landlord: No, I am just saying I can not fix without money.
Me: So you are not saying my rent is due?
Landlord: It is due.
Me: So are you going to fix the sink? How much do you need.
Landlord: Three months
Me: You need the money to fix the sink three months in advance??
Landlord: No, the rent

anyway, I am rambling at will here. Maybe I should not have smoked that rubbish :-(